Why the Gays Rock
I would just like to start out here by saying that I am not, nor will I ever be, gay. Not at all. I mean, people can make all the cracks they want about tanning and pageant judging and showtunes, but at the end of the day the only thing that makes you gay is hooking up with other dudes. And that is something I have about as much interest in as moving to Bangladesh. Actually, if given a choice I would probably be on the next plane to Dhaka with a mud hut-building kit.
That all being said, I love the gays. That’s right, of all the minority groups in this country, the gays are by FAR the coolest. Seriously, does anyone ever move OUT of a neighborhood when gays move in? Do people avoid gay areas because they fear for their lives? Have you ever been in a place (not a gay club) and wanted to leave because of all the obnoxious gays in there? No, of course you haven’t. You know why? Because the gays, they fucking rock. They have the life. And here’s why…
The Gays make the BEST wingmen – I was in a club this summer and ended up sitting at a table with a bunch of gays. Next to us was a table of gorgeous South Beach models, or, at least, a table full of blondes all over 5’10” and under 120 pounds. Now, I would NEVER in a million years dream of approaching a table of chicks like that. But one of the gays got up, chatted them up for a few minutes, then invited me over and introduced me to them. An instant in with an unapproachable table. Much as I love my straight friends, even the girls have never done anything like this for me.
The Gays NEVER Cockblock – Ok, maybe if the guy is ugly they will, but typically when a gay is out with his fag hag, his goal is to get her laid. I mean, he knows he’s getting some, so why shouldn’t his girl? So unlike unbearable sorority chicks who make absolute certain their girlfriends NEVER go home with anyone but them, a gay INSISTS his girl goes home with someone. God bless the Gays.
The Gays only deal with attractive people -Gays have a great aesthetic sense, as anyone who has ever visited a gay household can attest. But it also extends to the company they keep. I haven’t met too many ugly fag hags, and a gay man is not going to associate with straight guys who aren’t attractive either. I mean, why bother wearing a $2000 outfit when your accessories are hideous? So if you're hanging out with the gays, typically, it’s going to be a good looking group.
The Gays have money – Seriously, you ever meet a gay on welfare? Shit, you ever meet a gay who had problems making rent? Of course you don’t! The gays, for whatever reason, always seem to be educated and have large amounts of expendable income. I’m not sure why this is, but when you’re shelling out $1200 for bathroom curtains, you’re probably doing ok. And the gays are, hands down, the BEST tippers on Earth. Never less than 25%.
The Gays party like rock stars – No self-respecting gay goes out and gets home any earlier than 5. And typically never comes home alone either. Not only do the gays get the BEST drugs (you ever do gay coke? You’ll never look at that shit you buy from Cracky in the West Grove the same way again), but they hook up with multiple people on a weekly basis, party on weeknights, and hang out with beautiful women. That sounds more like Kid Rock than Harvey Firestein to me. Except for the whole hooking up with guys thing, that sounds pretty awesome to me.
They Gays never have to get married of have kids – Why the Hell are the gays so caught up in being able to get legally married? It’s like the greatest out ever. Mom and Dad bugging you to settle down at 34? Sorry, State says I can’t. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a coke-infused orgy to attend. People encouraging you to have kids? Yep, can’t really do that one either. Guess I’ll have to use all that money that my straight friends spend on their kids on a new pair of Prada loafers.
The Gays dress, groom and design better than most women – Why do you think so many male models are gays?
So, Gays, in short, you guys rock. And, contrary to popular belief, they typically know when you’re straight and stay away, so they make awesome friends/people to go out with and get hammered. What this country needs are more citizens like the gays, curbing overpopulation, making money, and dressing well. Have a great weekend everybody, and go party like rock stars. Or gays.