was recently rated the dumbest mid-sized city in America
. Right behind Santa Ana
, another city I lived very close to and has a remarkably similar demographic composition. But we will leave that alone for now. I’m not sure how exactly this study was done, but I think walking the streets and being offered churros, live chickens, rotten mangos and someone’s daughter all within 5 blocks of a store called “No, Que Barato” may have been the clincher for Dade County’s second l
argest municipality. If it weren’t that, perhaps the people conducting this poll just decided to try and drive somewhere.
Now, lets assume for a minute, and this is a hypothetical up there with “let’s assume Bush really did think they had chemical weapons,” but let's assume that all drivers in Miami knew what they were doing. Let’s pretend they all followed the rules of the road and did not learn to drive in a country where police are more concerned with how much they’re getting in drug kickbacks than they are with enforcing the traffic code. Assuming all this were true, Hialeah would still, without a doubt, be one colossal clusterfuck. Why? Because while the rest of Dade County is content to drive on its own little grid of Northwest this and Southeast that, Hialeah decided they wanted to be different. But not different like Coral Gables where they just throw in some random streets with names that sound like Pasta sauces, but they just upped and decided to change the street numbering right in the middle of the grid. Just for Hialeah.
So let's say Johnny Tourist from Oshkosh is driving north from the airport on Northwest 42nd Ave, trying to get to NW 200th St. He goes north a few miles and all of a sudden notices he is now on SE 8th Ave. And the street numbers went form Northwest to Southeast and are now going down instead of up. And he has been traveling north the entire time. Johnny T from Oshkosh may get a little flustered, don’t you think? He may head back towards the airport, make a few errant turns and, WHAM! run smack dab into one of Miami’s most celebrated tourist attractions, the Car Jacker. So, even though he was going the right way the whole time, good old Hialeah decided to make him super confused and now if he is not lying dead in a pool of blood somewhere South River Drive, he has undoubtedly gone back to flyover country to tell his congressman that Miami is, indeed, a third world country. Thanks, Hialeah.
So what gives, Hialeah? Why you gotta be different? Would it be so fucking hard to number your streets like the rest of the county so I don’t’ end up driving for 45 minutes trying to find where to pick up my package? Would it kill you to respect the numbering system laid out by our founding fathers so that we could all get where we were trying to go easily? No, no, apparently it would. Hialeah is like the Quebec of Dade County. Not only do they not accept English as even an unofficial language, but they are constantly trying to secede from the rest of the area. Seriously, former mayor Raul “I’ll Punch you In The Face in the Middle of The Palmetto Expressway On Live TV” Maritnez tried to make Hialeah its own county. And not in that funny, ha ha way Key West tried to make itself “The Conch Republic,” but in a serious vain. Not sure what they’d do for tax revenue, as last time I checked industrial wasteland and street crime don’t exactly bring in the tourist dollars that South Beach does. And your typical Hialeah resident isn’t exactly living there to escape those pesky regulations they have in Coral Gables. Fortunately for them, and unfortunately for the rest of Dade, that measure failed.
So, Hialeah, for the love of God, if you’re not even going to reopen your trademark racetrack, have the decency to accept that you just more Dade County industrial sprawl. You are what people from Kendall drive through to get to Lauderdale. You are home to Pepsi and Holsum and Treasure Island, and while all good things they do not rate you your own street grid. Please do the tourists (you know, those people that actually bring money into the economy unlike you who just suck it out) a favor and stop confusing them. And do the locals a favor and stop confusing us too. Lacking GPS, you’re just inviting more bad things to happen. Or was THAT you plan for extra money?